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Notes on Coping With Difficult People by Robert M. Bramson

1. Hostile Agressive Trio
   1. sherman tanks (bully and verbally assault)
      1. don't get in a fight with them (you're likely to lose; they must escalate the fight due to their style; even if you win, they will become a sniper)
      2. stand up to them
         1. call them by name
         2. "I disagree with you. . ."
         3. "In my judgment. . .", "In my opinion. . .", "It's a good idea. . ."
         4. ". . . but tell me what's on your mind."
         5. if interrupted, look them in the eye and say "<Name>, you interrupted me. . ." (don't say you lose your train of though, it makes you look weak in their eyes)
   2. snipers (take pot shots from under cover; use sarcasm and subtle jokes)
      1. try to get them alone
      2. explain how you perceived the situation and ask "Did you mean it that way?"
         1. behind the back snipes
            1. ask to quote the person telling you about the snipe, as a friend
            2. ask, "Did X hear you correctly?"
               1. if they say "No", say "Thanks, I will let X know."
               2. if they say "Yes", say "It sounds like a dig, did you mean it that way?"
               3. and "From now on, here's what I expect of you, if you have anything negative to say to me, you will say it directly to me first."
   3. exploders (calm to tantrum in no time)
      1. look them in the eye, listen, and wait for them to run down (or interrupt, if there are no pauses)
      2. once they stop, say "<Name>, I want to hear what you have to say, but not this way." (stand up, if necessary to get their attention; convey that you take them seriously)
      3. if possible, request a break
      4. try to get the facts about what happened; what is the perception; what occurred?
      5. if possible, offer some concrete help you can right away
      6. work out a plan of action and tell the person what you are going to do
         1. set action dates
         2. follow through
2. Indecisives
   1. analytical
      1. give a deadline and a concrete reason for it
      2. be helpful; give them any background information that might help them make the decision
   2. "be nice"
      1. help them tell you what's really on their mind (there's always a reason that has stopped them from making a decision)
      2. give them information to help them make the decision (and/or offer a solution)
      3. make a personal statement of support
      4. watch for signs that they are getting irritated or angry and withdrawing from the situation (if they do, leave quickly)
      5. get out of there (to avoid impulsive, emotional decisions)
3. Complainers
   1. listen
   2. when you can get a word in, acknowledge what they are saying to you and complaining about
   3. listen actively (reflect the specific concrete facts)
   4. don't agree that the complaints are correct, even if you think that they are right (that makes them complain more & continues the cycle)
   5. try to get them into a problem solving mode
      1. ask problem solving questions: When did it first happen? When did you notice it? Is it better or worse some days? What have you tried to do to fix it?
      2. give limited tasks to the complainer: ask for the complaints in writing (with a deadline); ask for their ideas on solutions
   6. after they have complained, give them a deadline and ask "Where do you want us to be when this discussion ends?"
4. Negativist
   1. be prepared that you may be dragged into the negativity (but that awareness will help you avoid it)
   2. come back with a positive statement of your own (don't argue because their negativity stems from long before)
   3. acknowledge what they say, but add a positive realistic statement (and avoid being dragged down)
   4. don't offer solutions too soon (or you will get reason why not to)
   5. ask "What should we do?" (to the negativist and the rest of the group, if present)
   6. give them a simple assignment
   7. ask "What is the worst that can happen?" continually, to expose their barriers
   8. be ready to take action on your own
5. Clams(won't talk)
   1. say something yourself, especially something to put them at ease
   2. throw out an open ended question
      1. what is your reaction to what I just said?
      2. What is on your mind about that?
   3. go into the friendly silent stare (look expectant, as long as possible or necessary)
   4. set a time limit for the conversation
   5. ignore questions like: Can I go now? Are you through?
   6. let the talk and hear them out
   7. let them know what will happen if they continue to be silent
   8. be prepared to follow up
6. Expert Know-It-Alls
   1. bulldozers (superior; arrogant; hostile)
      1. be prepared, know the facts and make sure they're accurate
      2. paraphrase back what you hear from them
      3. frame objections as questions (& avoid dogmatic statements)
         1. baby blue eyes question - "Would you explain how what you did fits with the plans we have?"
         2. extentional question - "Would you explain to me exactly what the steps are that will be taken over the course of X?"
      4. as a last resort, purposefully subordinate yourself, to avoid tension and build a manageable relationship
   2. ballons (full of hot air; don't know what they're talking about)
      1. if you blow their cover, they'll get defensive and resentful
      2. try to cope with them alone
      3. state your own perception of the facts (or alternative opinions)
         1. give them an out (ie, "I wonder if you didn't confuse the numbers with some others?")
      4. fill the silence with a statement of your own
      5. move quickly onto the next topic
7. Super Agreeables (super nice, but super unreliable; strong need to be liked)
   1. help them tell you what's really on their mind
   2. reassure them that they are an okay person
   3. ask them for "even inconsequential" problems
   4. help them be honest
   5. if a conflict is near, try to state a compromise right off the bat that you're willing to accept
   6. pay attention to their humor (it may be serious)
      1. go back in another time and ask them if there is really a problem associated with that "humor"

• adapt the techniques or combination of techniques as necessary

confidence building

1. acknowledge that coping with difficult people is no fun
2. having a vision of success is useful
3. take the pains of writing out a plan or script
4. find a low risk situation in which you can do a little rehearsing

Basic Strategy: do not fight a battle

Behavior Blindness

1. try honesty
   1. make an appointment with the person, so that it is important
   2. state your ambivalence (explain that you are concerned how they will react)
   3. state the assumption that the person truly doesn't know what they're doing or how much it affects you (you may not feel this)
   4. tell them what they're doing and how it affects you and/or others
   5. offer any help that you can (for instance, to signal to them when the behavior surfaces)

Negative Interaction Cycles

1. How to Identify
   1. Did the interactions only recently turn negative?
   2. Does this person have similar interactions with other people or just me?
   3. Can I think of something that happened that may have threatened either one of us?
   4. Was the change abrupt?
   5. Is my emotionality way out of whack?
2. How to Untangle
   1. make an appointment
   2. tell the person your version of how things seem to you
   3. end with a question to draw out their version (ie, How do you see it?)
   4. be ready to be dumped on (expect to be accused, your intentions questioned, etc.)
      1. DON'T
         1. don't explain everything away
         2. don't apologize
      2. Do
         1. active listening
         2. state your intentions (ie, tell them what you want); separate your behaviour from your intentions
         3. look for some way to prevent the problems from happening again
   5. powerless
   6. perscriptive
   7. perfect

See Also:

• Coping With Problem Behaviour