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Notes on Conversationally Speaking by Alan Garner

1. promote conversation
   1. open ended
      1. how?
      2. why?
      3. in what way?
      4. ask for explanation or elaboration
   2. common mistakes
      1. too open ended
      2. start too complex
      3. ask leading questions
      4. disagree before asking
      5. not being able to think of questions (memorize some stock questions)
2. honest positives
   1. reinforced responses recur
   2. be specific
      1. behavior
      2. appearance
   3. possessions
   4. say the person's name
   5. turn negatives into direct positives
   6. be believable
      1. slowly increase frequency
      2. phrase conservatively at first
      3. offer positives only when you don't want anything
      4. balance with negatives about inconsequential matters
      5. don't mirror compliments back when you receive them
      6. favorably compare the person to others
   7. other positives
      1. delivered through a third-person
      2. relayed positives
      3. indirect positives
3. active listening
   1. tell speaker what the message means to you
   2. how/when
      1. uncertain of the message
      2. important or emotionally charged message
   3. demonstrates acceptance
   4. keeps the conversation going
   5. common mistakes
      1. parroting (rather than deriving meaning behind the message)
      2. ignoring or downplaying feelings
   6. look for nonverbal messages
   7. get others to "tell me what you hear me say" when you require someone to understand
4. free information
   1. use to comment or question
   2. can be physical features, behavior, and location
5. self-disclosing
   1. promote symmetry
   2. model desired responses ("My name is ___. What's yours?")
   3. deepens conversation in stages
      1. cliche
      2. fact
      3. opinion
      4. feeling
   4. talk about yourself in the situation to build interest
   5. common problems
      1. projecting false images
      2. not being believed
         1. be specific
         2. reveal some negatives
      3. not owning your statements
      4. holding back for fear of being boring
6. starting conversations
   1. topics
      1. situation
      2. other person
      3. yourself (rarely stimulates conversation)
   2. methods
      1. question
      2. voice opinion
      3. state fact
7. issuing successful invitations
   1. use dual perspective (ask the other person's interests)
   2. be direct
   3. start small
   4. sound casual
   5. if turned down, suggest an alternative time or activity
8. handling critcism
   1. ask for details
   2. agree with the criticism
      1. agree with the truth
      2. agree with the critic's right to an opinion
9. resisting manipulation
   1. begin with same techniques as handling criticism (above)
   2. self-disclose disagreement
   3. broken record
10. requesting change
    1. identify who owns the problem
    2. describe the problem behavior
       1. be specific
       2. be objective
       3. discuss one problem at a time
       4. focus on present problems
    3. state the consequences
    4. describe your feelings about the behavior
    5. formula: When you [describe behavior], [state consequences], and I feel [describe feelings].
    6. pause; count to 20
    7. when behavior isn't modified, make a direct assertion
       1. be specific
       2. repeat assertion, when necessary
    8. arriving at resolution
       1. use active listening to reinforace agreement
       2. propose a specific time to review resolution
11. body language
    1. respect personal space
    2. posture
       1. face others directly
       2. observe others
       3. mirrored posture quickly establishes rapport
    3. touch
    4. make eye contact
    5. nodding
    6. smiling
    7. SOFTEN: Smile, Open posture, Forward lean, Touch, Eye contact, Nod
12. reducing anxiety
    1. events don't cause emotinal reactions; beliefs about events do
       1. challenge copping out by confronting beliefs about events
       2. challenge catastrophizing by asking how probable is the dreaded consequence
    2. do not overgeneralize
       1. everyone who succeeds also fails
       2. review evidence of positives to refute negative labels
    3. discard self-defeating rules
       1. don't demand perfection of others
       2. don't demand others to obey your rules
       3. confront irrational self-defeating rules
13. organizing efforts
    1. set concrete goals that are
       1. specific
       2. verifiable
       3. positive
       4. measurable
       5. dependent on your action
    2. start with easy goals and build to gain momentum
    3. divide difficult goals into easier subgoals
    4. identify and dispute any blocking irrational beliefs
    5. rehearse covertly
       1. model after success
       2. imagine success and a favorable response
    6. reward yourself

Related Conversation Notes

mnemonic? for common conversation topics: